


i thought you were american

by enby0angel



Category: Naruto
Genre: Alternate Universe - High School, Chat rooms, F/M, Fluff, Fun Uses of Spanish, Gen, Iruka has one cat, Iruka is an Uzumaki, Kakashi adopts dogs, Karin is an Uzumaki, Kiba also adopts dogs (so does Akamaru), Kurama has two tails for Reasons, Kurama is Naruto's Emotional Support Animal, M/M, Me? M/F ships? It's more likely than you think, Modern AU, Multi, Rated T for Everyone's Language, She destroys desks a lot, Shisui is an honorary lesbian, TikTok, Trans Haruno Sakura, Tsunade is the mother of two children (i.e. Jiraiya and Orochimaru), a lot of dogs - Freeform, but not many, chat fic, honestly this is completely self-indulgent and I have no regrets, maybe some regrets, she's the real queen of the household, text fic
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2019-09-02
Updated: 2020-01-24
Packaged: 2020-10-05 12:24:01
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 7
Words: 6,752
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/20488850
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/enby0angel/pseuds/enby0angel
Summary: futurepresident: ah yesfuturepresident: my favourite placefuturepresident: bostonfuturepresident: masachubaetsdoctordoctor: akjskajdjakhdsa n a r u t oBasically, it's a chat fic. Shenanigans ensue.





	1. [igotfuckedup.png]

**Author's Note:**

> THIS EXISTS BECAUSE I HAVE NO SELF CONTROLLLLLLLLLL
> 
> I've kinda developed them in such a way in my head that??? I almost wanna write a crack fic about canon-verse dudes meeting these dudes and fucking shit up  
Should I do it should I do it should I do it
> 
> Enjoy my shenanigans y'all *finger guns*

**Chat Room: The Rookie Nine**

Members:  
Uzumaki Naruto (futurepresident); Uchiha Sasuke (firsthusband); Haruno Sakura (doctordoctor); Nara Shikamaru (secondhusband); Yamanaka Ino (sapphicpsychic); Akimichi Choji (omnomnivore); Aburame Shino (bugboi); Hyuuga Hinata (keeper); Inuzuka Kiba (dogboi)

  


futurepresident: ah yes

futurepresident: my favourite place

futurepresident: boston

futurepresident: masachubaets

doctordoctor: akjskajdjakhdsa n a r u t o

dogboi: ??? r/ihadastroke

futurepresident: yes actually

futurepresident: [masachubaets.png]

dogboi: okay wow

sapphicpsychic: suck it dog breath

futurepresident: I dksssssssssss

dogboi: uhhhh Naruto

futurepresident: I cnat type atm

sapphicpsychic: we can see that

futurepresident: i’m a lil lopopy

futurepresident: *loopy

dogboi: what the fuck happened

doctordoctor: uhhh??????

futurepresident: miiiight be at the hospital

doctordoctor: what the fUCK

futurepresident: i’mma go to sleep now niiiiiiight

dogboi: it’s 2 pm

doctordoctor: what the fuck is happening

  


**Chat Room: America’s Ass**

Members:  
Uzumaki Naruto (futurepresident); Uchiha Sasuke (firsthusband); Nara Shikamaru (secondhusband)

  


futurepresident: Sasuke

futurepresident: Shikamaru

futurepresident: loves of my lives

firsthusband: what did you do

futurepresident: asjdkha you automatically assume I did something wth

secondhusband: you usually have

futurepresident: shikaaaaaaaaaaaa

firsthusband: he’s right and you know it

futurepresident: u guys are ganging up on me >:(

secondhusband: so what happened

futurepresident: [igotfuckedup.png]

secondhusband: what the fUCK happened, Naruto

firsthusband: ?????

futurepresident: well

futurepresident: I was mucking around with Bull and Akira

futurepresident: and the big doggo was crushing me like he does

futurepresident: rite

firsthusband: right

futurepresident: and idk what Kurama was thinking at the time but he seemed to think I was dying and just

futurepresident: yeeted himself at me

secondhusband: oh god

futurepresident: basically, Bull got the shit scared out of him and accidentally sliced my arm open

futurepresident: and idk if you saw the rookie nine chat

firsthusband: I muted that

secondhusband: same

futurepresident: ah

futurehusband: well I was at the hospital looped up on pain meds and started messaging them bs from reddit???

secondhusband: somehow I’m not surprised

firsthusband: about what, the arm slicing or the reddit

secondhusband: yes

firsthusband: fair enough

futurepresident: u 2 just elope pls

futurepresident: but also take me w u

firsthusband: not if you keep typing like that

futurepresident: ajsdjahdja

  


**Chat Room: Glorified Babysitters**

Members: Hatake Kakashi (dogsensei); Umino Iruka (dolphin); Maito Gai (bushybrowsensei); Sarutobi Asuma (returntokurenai); Yuuhi Kurenai (iamkurenai)

  


iamkurenai: yo Hatake is Naruto good???

dogsensei: he’ll be alright

bushybrowsensei: MY DEAREST FRIEND WHAT HAS HAPPENED TO YOUR CHARGE

dogsensei: he was playing with the dogs, Kurama scared Bull and Naruto’s arm got clawed

dogsensei: we had to take him to the ER to get it stitched up

returntokurenai: ouchhhhh

iamkurenai: what a wonderful start to the week amirite

returntokurenai: how’s Iruka doing?

dolphin: I’m awake

dolphin: that’s a start right

returntokurenai: ohhhhh boy

dolphin: lol I think Kakahsi was more worried than I was

dogsensei: ow my reputation

bushybrowsensei: Ahh Kakashi! We understand your worry for your boy!

dogsensei: still

iamkurenai: is Bull okay?

dogsensei: he might be a little emotionally traumatised form accidentally slicing his second favourite human’s arm open but he’s okay

dogsensei: I think Kurama’s apologised

returntokurenai: who’s the first favourite?

dogsensei: Iruka, duh

dolphin: a w e

  


**Chat Room: La Cría de Uzumaki**

Members:  
Uzumaki Naruto (futurepresident); Umino Iruka (dolphin); Uzumaki Karin (foureyesthiccthighs)

  


foureyesthiccthighs: aye Naruto que mierda

futurepresident: no lo sé!!

dolphin: blame Bull

foureyesthiccthighs: Bull is an angel qué estas diciendo

futurepresident: blame Kurama mostly, he’s the one that scared Bull

foureyesthiccthighs: I k n e w i t

foureyesthiccthighs: that little shit

dolphin: niños, niños, por favor

dolphin: no hay sangre en el chat

foureyesthiccthighs: pero Irukaaaaaaaa

dolphin: no

futurepresident: I’ll fight you Karin

foureyesthiccthighs: cOME AT ME PRIMO

dolphin: NO HAY SANGRE EN EL CHAT

  


**Chat Room: The Rookie Nine**

Members:  
Uzumaki Naruto (futurepresident); Uchiha Sasuke (firsthusband); Haruno Sakura (doctordoctor); Nara Shikamaru (secondhusband); Yamanaka Ino (sapphicpsychic); Akimichi Choji (omnomnivore); Aburame Shino (bugboi); Hyuuga Hinata (keeper); Inuzuka Kiba (dogboi)

  


futurepresident: update: i’m okay y’all

dogboi: what the fUCK happened

keeper: babe

dogboi: what

futurepresident: [igotfuckedup.png]

sapphicpsychic: what in the holy fucking shit happened to you

futurepresident: funny story

  


**Chat Room: Glorified Babysitters**

Members: Hatake Kakashi (dogsensei); Umino Iruka (dolphin); Maito Gai (bushybrowsensei); Sarutobi Asuma (returntokurenai); Yuuhi Kurenai (iamkurenai)

  


returntokurenai: so

returntokurenai: it seems I have some people to add to this chat

dogsensei: oh boy

_returntokurenai added treehugger and queenbitch to the chat_

queenbitch: sup fuckers

treehugger: Anko

queenbitch: fight me Tenzou

dogsensei: ohhhhhh boy


	2. [gittinup.mp4]

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> "You know, canines are truly beautiful creatures. They're loyal and happy, and they're amazing companions – even the multi-tailed kind. ... And then there's this idiot, who is stuck. Bisuke! How did you even get up there? What!?"

**Chat Room: we've seen too much**

Members: Uzumaki Naruto (futurepresident); Uchiha Shisui (prettiestprettyboy)

  


futurepresident: hey hey hey

prettiestprettyboy: it's 3 am naruto what the fuck

futurepresident: you're awake tho

prettiestprettyboy: got me there

futurepresident: guess what

prettiestprettyboy: what

futurepresident: I have hot dog hands

futurepresident: [hotdoghands.png]

prettiestpretyboy: askjdakjahsdka

prettiestprettyboy: Naruto what the fuck

futurepresident: hi Itachi

prettiestprettyboy: Why did I let my brother date you

futurepresident: pshhhhhhhh please when have you ever been able to stop Sasuke doing anything

prettiestprettyboy: You may have a point but you're still a hazard to society

futurepresident: you and Shisui are basically married c'monnnnnnn

prettiestprettyboy: kjahdskaj naruto how did you know it was Itachi

futurepresident: text-to-speech capitalises names and the start of sentences, duh

prettiestprettyboy: f u c k

  


**Profile: Uzumaki Naruto (uzumaki.naruto)**

"You know, canines are truly beautiful creatures. They're loyal and happy, and they're amazing companions – even the multi-tailed kind. ... And then there's _this_ idiot, who is stuck. Bisuke! How did you even get up there? _[dog barks]_ What!?"

  


**Profile: Haruno Sakura (sakurastrong)**

"I'm not like other girls. _[giggles]_ You see, I... have a penis-"

  


**Profile: Rock Lee (bushybrowlee)**

"Most people assume I'm the one that wears the pants in this relationship, _[camera pans out to show Lee sitting on Sakura's shoulder] _but as you can see this clearly isn't the case. _[Sakura finger-guns at the camera]_"

  


**Chat Room: The Rookie Nine**

Members:  
Uzumaki Naruto (futurepresident); Uchiha Sasuke (firsthusband); Haruno Sakura (doctordoctor); Nara Shikamaru (secondhusband); Yamanaka Ino (sapphicpsychic); Akimichi Choji (omnomnivore); Aburame Shino (bugboi); Hyuuga Hinata (keeper); Inuzuka Kiba (dogboi)

  


futurepresident: I have an announcement to make

futurepresident: Hinata and Ino are fucking quEENS

dogboi: we been knew

doctordoctor: what did you do

keeper: we got ourselves out of detention

dogboi: it was amazing

omnomnivore: what happened???

futurepresident: do I have permission to share

keeper: yes, obviously

sapphicpsychic: duh

futurepresident: @firsthusband @secondhusband @bugboi y'all will wanna see this

bugboi: go on

secondhusband: should we be worried

futurepresident: [gittinup.mp4]

doctordoctor: KJHAKSJDHKAJHSKDHA

firsthusband: I'll admit it

firsthusband: I'm impressed

futurepresident: thank you, thank you

secondhusband: wow

omnomnivore: you guys killed it!!

sapphicpsychic: yeA WE DID BOIIIIIIIII

bugboi: that was quire impressive

dogboi: I

dogboi: am in love

keeper: thank you

dogboi: akjskajajsdhkajhda Hinata I love you

keeper: ily2

futurepresident: on this day representatives from Teams 7, 8 and 10 escaped detention by being awesome

  


**Chat Room: Glorified Babysitters**

Members: Hatake Kakashi (dogsensei); Umino Iruka (dolphin); Maito Gai (bushybrowsensei); Sarutobi Asuma (returntokurenai); Yuuhi Kurenai (iamkurenai); Tenzou (treehugger); Mitarashi Anko (queenbitch)

  


queenbitch: i have been humbled

treehugger: did what I think just happened actually just happen?

dolphin: I feel like I should be concerned?

returntokurenai: please elaborate, Anko

queenbitch: Kakashi, Iruka, congratulations

queenbitch: today your brat and his friends escaped detention

queenbitch: [theygittinup.mov]

dolphin: holy fucking shit

iamkurenai: i"M SO PROUD

dogsensei: we have taught them well

queenbitch: representatives from teams 7 8 and 10 have carried their teammates to the pure lands and they have surpassed their elders

dolphin: what did they do to get detention though

queenbitch: I'm not sure you want to know

dolphin: you know what?

dolphin: that's fair

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Before you ask, yes the profiles are TikTok profiles. I've become one of those people that downloaded TikTok ironically and now watches it unironically. send help.


	3. //chugs whiskey

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> futurepresident: no no listen
> 
> futurepresident: imagine Hinata wearing your jumper and then her having lil sweater paws and being all adorable
> 
> dogboi: ...
> 
> futurepresident: see?
> 
> dogboi: hngggggggggggggggggg

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> welp I'm nearly finished high school and soon I have to actually be a functioning adult and this is my coping mechanism send help

**Chat Room: America’s Ass**

Members:  
Uzumaki Naruto (futurepresident); Uchiha Sasuke (firsthusband); Nara Shikamaru (secondhusband)

  


futurepresident: do either of you have my jumper

firsthusband: which one in particular

futurepresident: my soccer jumper

futurepresident: you know

futurepresident: the one you two insIST on stealing ALL THE TIME

secondhusband: I'm not apologising

futurepresident: so you have it?

secondhusband: yes

secondhusband: you weren't wearing it and it's warm

futurepresident: it's all g I just couldn't find it and thought I'd lost it somewhere

firsthusband: that does sound like something you'd do

futurepresident: aksjdkada you t r a i t o r

firsthusband: I only state facts

futurepresident: rood

secondhusband: I have children not boyfriends

futurepresident: excuse me I am maintaining composure by imagining you with sweater paws

firsthusband: how the fuck does that help either of us maintain composure

futurepresident: it's better than being a dirty traitor, estúpido

secondhusband: dear god I'll give the jumper back if it prevents you two from killing each other

firsthusband: not if I get to it first

futurepresident: asjdkajdsa you guys are so c u t e

  


**Chat Room: The Canines' Companions**

Members: Inuzuka Kiba (dogboi); Uzumaki Naruto (futurepresident)

  


dogboi: WHERE ARE YOU YOU'RE LATE

futurepresident: I have two excuses

dogboi: T A L K

futurepresident: first, my brother's husband is Hatake fucking Kakashi, he's a terrible influence

futurepresident: second, Shikamaru stole my jumper and didn't tell me and I spent forever trying to find it

futurepresident: and then I imagined him with sweater paws and had to take a minute

dogboi: oh my god Naruto

futurepresident: no no listen

futurepresident: imagine Hinata wearing your jumper and then her having lil sweater paws and being all adorable

dogboi: ...

futurepresident: see?

dogboi: hngggggggggggggggggg

  


**Chat Room: Sapphics Unite**

Members: Yamanaka Ino (sapphicpsychic); Tenten (nejiisboring); Haruno Sakura (doctordoctor); Uzumaki Karin (foureyesthiccthighs); Uchiha Shisui (prettiestprettyboy)

  


prettiestprettyboy: where the fuuuuuuuuck are you guys

foureyesthiccthighs: yeah why tf are there so many people here today

foureyesthiccthighs: just dropped Naruto off where are y'all

doctordoctor: oo I found Sasuke, we're at the top of the grandstand

doctordoctor: we saved you seats

nejiisboring: found ya!

doctordoctor: "why the fuck is Shisui in a chat called "Sapphics Unite"?" - Sasuke

prettiestprettyboy: I'm an honorary lesbian

prettiestprettyboy: ... someone just bumped me and my eyeliner is still wet I'll fite

doctordoctor: wow I felt your KI from up here

prettiestprettyboy: I'm slightly dramatic

doctordoctor: slightly?

_doctordoctor added firsthusband to the chat_

firsthusband: why the fuck does Itachi put up with you

prettiestprettyboy: hi to you too Sasuke

prettiestprettyboy: and for my charming personality and sweet-talking skills, obviously

firsthusband: please

prettiestprettyboy: hey, you asked

prettiestprettyboy: I could tell you exactly what I can do with my mouth if you really want

sapphicpsychic: kinky

firsthusband: I DO NOT WANT TO KNOW ABOUT MY BROTHER'S SEX LIFE YOU HEATHEN FUCK YOU

nejiisboring: so now that there's two dudes in this chat I'mma make an executive decision

_nejiisboring changed the chat name to **Soccer Boys Are Hot**_

nejiisboring: am I wrong

doctordoctor: definitely not

firsthusband: end my suffering

prettiestprettyboy: bitch we're gay the suffering never ends

firsthusband: I hate you

prettiestprettyboy: hush darling, oggle your boyfriend out on the field there

firsthusband: I intend to

sapphicpsychic: [foreveralone.png]

prettiestprettyboy: awwwwwww Ino

prettiestprettyboy: ... is that nail polish

sapphicpsychic: yes

prettiestprettyboy: ... will you do my nails

sapphicpsychic: of course I will, who do you think I am

prettiestprettyboy: Yamanaka Ino I bow to you

sapphicpsychic: as you should

  


**Chat Room: Glorified Babysitters**

Members: Hatake Kakashi (dogsensei); Umino Iruka (dolphin); Maito Gai (bushybrowsensei); Sarutobi Asuma (returntokurenai); Yuuhi Kurenai (iamkurenai); Tenzou (treehugger); Mitarashi Anko (queenbitch)

  


bushybrowsensei: Another vigorous training session is complete!

dogsensei: jesus christ I think they're dead

queenbitch: pussies

dolphin: what

treehugger: dear lord

queenbitch: this is what you signed up for, my dear tree child

treehugger: under no circumstances did I sign up for this, I was fucking conscripted

queenbitch: u rite u rite

returntokurenai: I wish for death

iamkurenai: don't give it to him

dolphin: what happened?

returntokurenai: never will I ever beat Shikamaru at Shogi

returntokurenai: //chugs whiskey

dolphin: christ

bushybrowsensei: That is just a testament to your teaching skills!

returntokurenai: no no no you don't understand

returntokurenai: when I first introduced him to shogi he'd never played before

returntokurenai: he spent ten minutes reading the instruction manual and then we played and he bEAT ME

returntokurenai: HIS FIRST F U C K I N G GAME IT WAS OVER IN LIKE TEN MINUTES

dolphin: the kid's got an eidetic memory, don't tell me you didn't expect that

returntokurenai: I didn't k n o w that at the time

returntokurenai: anyway he and I just played like five games in half an hour and he beat me every f u c k i ng time I am Done with Life

returntokurenai: what the fuck are Shikaku and Yoshiko feeding him

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I have a tiktok  
my user is @enby0angel  
please validate my life choices  
love y'all <3


	4. press A to pray

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> futurepresident: what time are you getting home?
> 
> thegodfather: should be back by 1, so I'll be able to pick you up from school
> 
> futurepresident: yeyeyeyeyeye nice niceeeee
> 
> thegodfather: it's like you missed me or something, kid
> 
> futurepresident: course I did, who else is going to buy me ramen

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Insert Jiraiya, stage left!
> 
> Iiiiiiii have graduated. help. what do I do. aaaaaaaaaahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh adulting?????

**Chat Room: America’s Ass**

Members:  
Uzumaki Naruto (futurepresident); Uchiha Sasuke (firsthusband); Nara Shikamaru (secondhusband)

  


futurepresident: Sasukeeeeeeeee

firsthusband: it is eight fifteen in the morning, what went wrong this early

futurepresident: my car battery is flat and Jiraiya's not getting home until this afternoon :((((( can you come pick me up pleaaassseeee

firsthusband: I'm coming

futurepresident: I love youuuuuuuuuuu

firsthusband: you're lucky I love you too, idiot

futurehusband: :D I know

secondhusband: stop being adorable this early in the morning I just woke up you fuckers

  


  


**Chat Room: The Rookie Nine**

Members:  
Uzumaki Naruto (futurepresident); Uchiha Sasuke (firsthusband); Haruno Sakura (doctordoctor); Nara Shikamaru (secondhusband); Yamanaka Ino (sapphicpsychic); Akimichi Choji (omnomnivore); Aburame Shino (bugboi); Hyuuga Hinata (keeper); Inuzuka Kiba (dogboi)

  


dogboi: @futurepresident y r u not here yet I have news

futurepresident: car troublesssssss sasuke is driving me

dogboi: fuck your car troubles i have news

futurepresident: what is it

dogboi: no I'm not tellung you until you get here

futurepresident: tellung

dogboi: fuck. You.

  


**Chat Room: The Godfather and the Prodical Son**

Members:  
Uzumaki Naruto (futurepresident); Jiraiya (thegodfather)

  


futurepresident: so if you get home today and my car is still at school it's not because I'm skipping

thegodfather: oh boy

futurepresident: the battery was flattt and I didn't have time to fix itttttt

thegodfather: acceptable excuse

futurepresident: oh thank god

thegodfather: father

futurepresident: you're not funny

thegodfather: excuse you, I'm hilarious

futurepresident: whatever helps you sleep at night

futurepresident: anywayyyyyyyy

futurepresident: what time are you getting home?

thegodfather: should be back by 1, so I'll be able to pick you up from school

futurepresident: yeyeyeyeyeye nice niceeeee

thegodfather: it's like you missed me or something, kid

futurepresident: course I did, who else is going to buy me ramen

thegodfather: Iruka????

futurepresident: yeah but he's taken me out to eat six times this pay and he refuses to take me out anymore until pay comes in which is in like... a week and a half

thegodfather: jesus

futurepresident: you've been away for two weeks a kid's gotta eat

futurepresident: and Kurama eats just as much as me

thegodfather: don't you have a class to be in right now

futurepresident: dude it's just homeroom

futurepresident: but okay okay

futurepresident: I see how it is

futurepresident: go make out with your boyfriend and then get your ass in the car

thegodfather: boyfriend????

futurepresident: you can't deny it

thegodfather: Naruto

futurepresident: oopsie daisy gotta go byeeeee see you this afternooooon

thegodfather: you're insufferable

  


**Chat Room: The Rookie Nine**

Members:  
Uzumaki Naruto (futurepresident); Uchiha Sasuke (firsthusband); Haruno Sakura (doctordoctor); Nara Shikamaru (secondhusband); Yamanaka Ino (sapphicpsychic); Akimichi Choji (omnomnivore); Aburame Shino (bugboi); Hyuuga Hinata (keeper); Inuzuka Kiba (dogboi)

  


sapphicpsychic: Kiba

dogboi: yeeeeeeeessss...?

sapphicpsychic: is that

sapphicpsychic: a dog

dogboi: ...

dogboi: no?

bugboi: you know you're not allowed to bring animals to school

dogboi: oh shut it I found him on the side of the road in a b o x

bugboi: carry on

keeper: oh my god is it okay????

dogboi: matted and malnourished

keeper: I am omw where are you

dogboi: parking lot

dogboi: wait actually Hinata

keeper: ?

dogboi: could you please grab any work for today?? I'm gonna take him to the vet's

keeper: of course!!!

dogboi: I loVE YOU

keeper: ily2 I'll meet you out there in a few

bugboi: I'll get the work from our classes

dogboi: thank you

futurepresident: kajsdkahdska dOG I WANT TO SEE

sapphicpsychic: he's so cuuuuuuuuuuuute

futurepresident: fuck I gotta go to claaaasssssss

doctordoctor: nuuuuuuuuuu

futurepresident: have fun with the doggo >:((((((

  


**Chat Room: Glorified Babysitters**

Members:  
Hatake Kakashi (dogsensei); Umino Iruka (dolphin); Maito Gai (bushybrowsensei); Sarutobi Asuma (returntokurenai); Yuuhi Kurenai (iamkurenai); Tenzou (treehugger); Mitarashi Anko (queenbitch)

  


iamkurenai: uhhhhhhh has anyone seen Kiba today

dogsensei: I saw him this morning in the parking lot

returntokurenai: Shino came to me to get Kiba's work for the day, so he probably won't be here for the rest of the day

queenbitch: yea Hinata got some off me too

treehugger: do I know this child

queenbitch: looks like a dog acts like a dog

iamkurenai: Anko no

returntokurenai: he's Hinata's boyfriend

dogsensei: honestly if he wasn't Hinata's boyfriend he'd be Shino's

iamkurenai: w h a t

dogsensei: listen Kurenai

dogsensei: if Naruto and Sasuke can date each other long-term

dogsensei: anything is possible

iamkurenai: you make a valid argument

iamkurenai: I hate it

  


**Chat Room: The Canines' Companions**

Members:  
Inuzuka Kiba (dogboi); Uzumaki Naruto (futurepresident)

  


futurepresident: yo dog boy how's the dog

dogboi: gooooood

dogboi: after we gave him a bath and some water and actual food he started being more friendly

dogboi: he'll be alright

futurepresident: good good

futurepresident: fuc gtg

dogboi: if you got caught with your phone I'mma laugh my ass off

  


**Chat Room: Team 8**

Members:  
Inuzuka Kiba (dogboi); Hyuuga Hinata (keeper); Aburame Shino (bugboi)

  


keeper: how is he????

bugboi: I am also interested

dogboi: [fluffyboi.png]

keeper: A W E

bugboi: He is quite cute

dogboi: we gave him a bath and dried him off and he's the fluffiest fucking thing honestly

dogboi: I think Akamaru's adoped him

dogboi: yep, Akamaru has a new little brother and there's nothing I can do about it

bugboi: Something tells me you don't want to do anything about it

dogboi: *shruggie*

keeper: that's our Kiba

dogboi: insert "it's so fluffy I'm gonna die" gif here

keeper: [fluffy.gif]

dogboi: god bless

  


**Chat Room: ftsio**

Members:  
Hatake Kakashi (dogsensei); Umino Iruka (dolphin)

  


dogsensei: Iruka

dolphin: yes?

dogsensei: your cat is a menace

dolphin: my cat is a queen, bow down to her you heathen

dogsensei: [perch.png]

dogsensei: as you can see

dogsensei: she has taken Pakkun's perch

dogsensei: Pakkun is not happy about this

dolphin: ah

dolphin: I can see the problem

dogsensei: rescue me please

dolphin: press A to pray

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> "ftsio" stands for "fuck this shit I'm out" btw... which is basically Kakashi's theme song and probably his ringtone


	5. why am I suddenly the impulse control

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> thegodfather: you're at fault for everything
> 
> futurepresident: I mean
> 
> futurepresident: you're probably not wrong
> 
> futurepresident: but what did I do this time /specifically/
> 
> thegodfather: I have picked up your godforsaken gen z humour
> 
> futurepresident: sucker
> 
> thegodfather: what on earth happened to your generation
> 
> futurepresident: life

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Here I go agaaiiin on my ooowwwnnnn
> 
> What? Is this chapter?  
Fun. It was fun. And surprisingly long but hey, what can you do.
> 
> Hope you enjoy!!

**Chat Room: The Rookie Nine**

Members:  
Uzumaki Naruto (futurepresident); Uchiha Sasuke (firsthusband); Haruno Sakura (doctordoctor); Nara Shikamaru (secondhusband); Yamanaka Ino (sapphicpsychic); Akimichi Choji (omnomnivore); Aburame Shino (bugboi); Hyuuga Hinata (keeper); Inuzuka Kiba (dogboi)

  
  


futurepresident: I would like everyone to know that I am a mechanical genius

doctordoctor: x to doubt

futurepresident: ajshwa rood

  
  


**Chat Room: Team 10**

Members:  
Yamanaka Ino (sapphicpsychic); Nara Shikamaru (secondhusband); Akimichi Choji (omnomnivore)

  
  


sapphicpsychic: hey Shika

sapphicpsychic: got a q for ya

secondhusband: sup

sapphicpsychic: how is it that you currently have two boyfriends

sapphicpsychic: and I can't manage o n e

secondhusband: good question

secondhusband: but you know I started dating them because Sasuke is emotionally stunted and Naruto is blunt

sapphicpsychic: so you're saying I should bluntly ask someone out?

omnomnivore: I think he's saying you're looking too hard

secondhusband: honestly I might not have even considered dating Sasuke if they hadn't asked and we've been together for nearly two years now

omnomnivore: just go with the flow

omnomnivore: honestly I'm not sure I want to date anyone from Konoha, seeing as I grew up with most of them

sapphicpsychic: point Choji

sapphicpsychic: thanks guys

secondhusband: remember that you don't need to date anyone

sapphicpsychic: I know, but it's good to hear it again

sapphicpsychic: guess I'm feeling a little lonely today

omnomnivore: team 10 movie night??

secondhusband: I'm down

sapphicpsychic: !!!yay!!!

  
  


**Chat Room: The Rookie Nine**

  
  


Members:  
Uzumaki Naruto (futurepresident); Uchiha Sasuke (firsthusband); Haruno Sakura (doctordoctor); Nara Shikamaru (secondhusband); Yamanaka Ino (sapphicpsychic); Akimichi Choji (omnomnivore); Aburame Shino (bugboi); Hyuuga Hinata (keeper); Inuzuka Kiba (dogboi)

  
  


dogboi: Akamaru loves the new doggo

dogboi: [buddies.png]

sapphicpsychic: AAAA that's so cUTE

doctordoctor: god b l e s s

futurepresident: A W E

keeper: a d o r a b l e

dogboi: and we're all still on for game night tomorrow rite

dogboi: @Sakura it's your turn to host

doctordoctor: yea I'm down

futurepresident: be there I shall

futurepresident: @firsthusband @secondhusband get your asses in here for a sec

doctordoctor: I can see you've read it Sasuke

omnomnivore: I'll be there!!

keeper: my dad's being iffy this week so I'm like 90% sure I'll be there but sorry in advance if I have to bail

futurepresident: you're all g Hina

keeper: <3

firsthusband: yes I'll be there

secondhusband: same

futurepresident: yaaaayyyyy

dogboi: Shino?

bugboi: I'll be there.

dogboi: yey

sapphicpsychic: I'm so there

  
  


**Chat Room: Tsunade and the Idiots**

Members:  
Senju Tsunade (deskdestroyer); Jiraiya (thegodfather); Orochimaru (snakescientist)

deskdestroyer: WILL YOU TWO STOP TERRORISING MY STAFF

thegodfather: but it's fuuuuuuun

snakescientist: You are a twelve-year-old child

thegodfather: I did raise two children through that age so you're probably not wrong

snakescientist: Why did they put up with you

thegodfather: could say the same about you

snakescientist: I will carve our your kidneys and sell them to organ harvesters in India

thegodfather: can I have a cut of the money?

deskdestroyer: someone put me out of my misery

deskdestroyer: where the fuck did you pick up self depreciating humour?

thegodfather: Naruto. I blame Naruto.

deskdestroyer: of course

  
  


**Chat Room: The Godfather and the Prodical Son**

Members:  
Uzumaki Naruto (futurepresident); Jiraiya (thegodfather)

  
  


thegodfather: you're at fault for everything

futurepresident: I mean

futurepresident: you're probably not wrong

futurepresident: but what did I do this time /specifically/

thegodfather: I have picked up your godforsaken gen z humour

futurepresident: sucker

thegodfather: what on earth happened to your generation

futurepresident: life

thegodfather: all of you need help

futurepresident: lol ok boomer

thegodfather: stop

futurepresident: go back to your boyfriend now, shoo shoo

thegodfather: Stop.

  
  


**Chat Room: Team 7**

Members:  
Uzumaki Naruto (futurepresident); Uchiha Sasuke (firsthusband); Haruno Sakura (doctordoctor)

  
  


futurepresident: anyone up

doctordoctor: I wish I wasn't

firsthusband: why are you awake

futurepresident: I really want brownies

futurepresident: like I really

futurepresident: r e a l l y

futurepresident: want brownies

doctordoctor: wtf are these cravings are you pregnant

futurepresident: none of us have a vagina

doctordoctor: weirder things have happened to us

futurepresident: ???? name one ????

firsthusband: you

doctordoctor: ^^

futurepresident: w o w

futurepresident: I feel so attacked rn

doctordoctor: what else is new

futurepresident: w o w

futurepresident: so anyway

futurepresident: does anyone wanna go to mcdonalds and get one of those huge chocolate muffins with me

doctordoctor: yes

firsthusband: why am I suddenly the impulse control

doctordoctor: idk but you'd better come with us

doctordoctor: just to make sure we only get one each

firsthusband: fine

futurepresident: yeeeee

  
  


**Chat Room: Team 7**

Members:  
Uzumaki Naruto (futurepresident); Uchiha Sasuke (firsthusband); Haruno Sakura (doctordoctor)

  
  


futurepresident: you know what

futurepresident: I totally forgot to put my hearing aid on

doctordoctor: oh my god Naruto

futurepresident: could you order for me pleeeeaaaseeeee

doctordoctor: yeah I gotchu

futurepresident: yay thank you

firsthusband: why are you like this

futurepresident: oh hush darling you love me

firsthusband: that is correct

doctordoctor: y'all are adorable

futurepresident: !!!! IS THAT GAARA

doctordoctor: I think it is???

futurepresident: HOLY SHIT

  
  


**Chat Room: Weird Pet Gang**

Members:  
Uzumaki Naruto (futurepresident); Sabaku no Gaara (sabakunogaara)

  
  


futurepresident: DO I SERIOUSLY SEE YOU IN THIS MCDONALDS RIGHT NOW

sabakunogaara: yes

futurepresident: HOLY SHIT

sabakunogaara: please calm down

futurepresident: Gaaraaaaaaaaaa

futurepresident: you need to t e x t me when you come to townnnnnn

sabakunogaara: it's midnight, Naruto, you should be asleep

futurepresident: I wanted a muffin

sabakunogaara: of course you did

futurepresident: come sit with us cmon cmon cmon

sabakunogaara: fine, I'm coming

futurepresident: Y E S

  
  


**Chat Room: Team 7**

Members:  
Uzumaki Naruto (futurepresident); Uchiha Sasuke (firsthusband); Haruno Sakura (doctordoctor)

  
  


futurepresident: I invited Gaara to sit with us hope you don't mind

doctordoctor: might as well

firsthusband: yeah whatever

futurepresident: yay!

  
  


**Chat Room: Let's Get Global**

  
  


futurepresident _created the chat room_

futurepresident _added _Uchiha Sasuke (firsthusband), Haruno Sakura (doctordoctor), Sabaku no Gaara (sabakunogaara), Sabaku no Kankuro (puppeteer), Sabaku no Temari (fanlady) _to the chat_

futurepresident: the boys are back in town

futurepresident: and Temari

fanlady: aye

puppeteer: why is this happening

futurepresident: just accept it

doctordoctor: hey guysssss it's been ages!!

fanlady: it really has!!!

doctordoctor: how's the sand?

fanlady: how's the humidity?

doctordoctor: point

firsthusband: gotta agree on the humidity point there

puppeteer: same

futurepresident: y'all are weak

doctordoctor: not all of us hail from the Caribbean, Naruto

futurepresident: ik I'm just that awesome

sabakunogaara: some of us like the desert

futurepresident: united states canada mexico panama haiti jamaica peru

doctordoctor: Naruto no

futurepresident: republic dominican cuba caribbean greenland el salvador too

doctordoctor: n o

futurepresident: P U E R T O R I C O

puppeteer: why

  
  


**Chat Room: The Godfather and the Prodical Son**

Members:  
Uzumaki Naruto (futurepresident); Jiraiya (thegodfather)

  
  


thegodfather: where in the shinto heavens are you

futurepresident: chilling with my lord and saviour jesus christ

thegodfather: but seriously

thegodfather: a note at midnight that says "on my period be home soon" does not help

futurepresident: I got cravings for excessive amounts of chocolate so Sasuke Sakura and I went to mcdonalds

futurepresident: we ran into Gaara n co so we're hanging out for a bit

thegodfather: you have school tomorrow

futurepresident: no I don't

thegodfather: oh yeah, forgot about that

thegodfather: have fun

futurepresident: honestly you're the [third kind of parent](https://vidnice.com/user/6734610739849610245)

thegodfather: what?

futurepresident: I'll show you when I get home

thegodfather: should I be concerned

futurepresident: nah

thegodfather: I'm concerned

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Click on the link. Click on the first video. Please.


	6. and that's why I'm gay

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> futurepresident: yo Shika do you still have my soccer jumper?
> 
> secondhusband: yes
> 
> secondhusband: it's so fucking warm
> 
> secondhusband: I'm never giving it back
> 
> firsthusband: if you don't share it I'm breaking up with both of you
> 
> futurepresident: akjskajhdkajda
> 
> futurepresident: on today's episode of "Uchihas are melodramatic assholes"

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I know... it's been a month... I'm still alive m'fuckers
> 
> I am Weak for the ot3s... hhhh
> 
> I hope everyone is having a wonderful holiday season! Merry Christmas, Happy Yule, Happy Hanukkah, and Happy Holidays! May love and joy find you in the new year <3
> 
> I hope you enjoyed the chapter!

**Chat Room: The Rookie Nine**

Members:  
Uzumaki Naruto (futurepresident); Uchiha Sasuke (firsthusband); Haruno Sakura (doctordoctor); Nara Shikamaru (secondhusband); Yamanaka Ino (sapphicpsychic); Akimichi Choji (omnomnivore); Aburame Shino (bugboi); Hyuuga Hinata (keeper); Inuzuka Kiba (dogboi)

  
  


futurepresident: BITCH I GOT FIVE SHOTS OF CAFFEEEEIIIINNNEEE

keeper: oh no

futurepresident: I WILL BRING ANARCHY TO THIS WOOOORRRLLD

doctordoctor: that isn't healthy y'know

futurepresident: I'M GOING TO BACKFLIP OFF OF THE EIFFEL TOWER

dogboi: it's a tiktok

futurepresident: fuck you kiba you ruin all of my fun

doctordoctor: oh thank jesus you didn't actually ingest that much caffeine

futurepresident: or did I

doctordoctor: Naruto

doctordoctor: no

doctordoctor: I will assassinate you in your sleep if you don't have a heart attack first

futurepresident: *shruggie*

sapphicpsychic: what in the sweet mother of holy fuck is going on here

doctordoctor: I wish I knew

  
  


**Chat Room: ftsio**

Members:  
Hatake Kakashi (dogsensei); Umino Iruka (dolphin)

  
  


dolphin: Kakashi.

dogsensei: uh oh

dogsensei: what have I done

dolphin: where did all of my coffee pods go

dogsensei: okay you won't believe me but I actually don't know

dolphin: really

dogsensei: I swear I did not drink or throw out all of your coffee

dolphin: …

dolphin: n a r u t o

  
  


**Chat Room: The Three Stooges**

Members:  
Hatake Kakashi (dogsensei); Umino Iruka (dolphin); Uzumaki Naruto (futurepresident)

  
  


dolphin: Naruto.

futurepresident: whatever I did it wasn't me

dolphin: where are my coffee pods.

futurepresident: …

futurepresident: funny story

dolphin: goddamnit Naruto

dogsensei: see? Wasn't my fault this time

dolphin: this time.

futurepresident: brb going to fly to the moon on a hairdryer

dolphin: stop quoting tiktoks and buy me some more fucking coffee I know you don't have school today

futurepresident: fineeeeeeeee

  
  


**Chat Room: The Rookie Nine**

Members:  
Uzumaki Naruto (futurepresident); Uchiha Sasuke (firsthusband); Haruno Sakura (doctordoctor); Nara Shikamaru (secondhusband); Yamanaka Ino (sapphicpsychic); Akimichi Choji (omnomnivore); Aburame Shino (bugboi); Hyuuga Hinata (keeper); Inuzuka Kiba (dogboi)

  
  


futurepresident: Iruka is making me buy him more coffee can anyone come with me and Sakura

firsthusband: I'll come, I desperately need to get tf away from here

secondhusband: I'll come too

sapphicpsychic: uggghhhh this clan bs is bs I don't wanna be here

keeper: tell me about it

sapphicpsychic: I didn't even think you were gonna be here at all Hina

keeper: would have skipped it if I could but apparently I have to be here cause even though I'm not the heiress anymore I'm still the oldest child

omnomnivore: you okay Hina?

keeper: please kill me

sapphicpsycic: come with us

secondhusband: we'll smuggle you out, you can go instead of me

keeper: are you sure???

secondhusband: this shit is troublesome but I'm a good liar and dad will back me up

keeper: y'all are awesome

sapphicpsychic: Choji, distraction?

omnomnivore: one broken teapot coming right up

dogboi: wait wait Akamaru can help

bugboi: Oh kami.

omnomnivore: I'll try not to destroy the kitchen but no promises, Naruto's a bad influence

bugboi: I'll be damage control.

futurepresident: I blame Iruka and Iruka blames Jiraiya

firsthusband: who does Jiraiya blame

futurepresident: uuuhhhhhhh jiji and/or Orochimaru I think

sapphicpsychic: have those two fucked yet

futurepresident: god I hope so

futurepresident: I mean I don't wanna think about it but the ust is killing me

sapphicpsychic: god ikr

keeper: god I need a coke

keeper: or vodka, either works

futurepresident: okay I found Hina, Sasuke where are you

futurepresident: jesus fucking christ where did you come from

firsthusband: let's go before Iruka gets even crankier

keeper: I want my boooooots not these fucking sandal thingies

sapphicpsychic: wow you are handling this even worse than I am

keeper: what's the point of me even being there? I'm not daddy's perfect little girl anymore and everyone knows it

keeper: when I was twelve and shy I wasn't shaping up to be a strong leader

keeper: but now that I'm eighteen and outspoken I'm too headstrong and stubborn

keeper: my father dragged me to the fucking thing, so why the fuck won't he let me get a goddamn word in

sapphicpsychic: ah babe

keeper: wow that was building up for a while

futurepresident: we can tell

keeper: thanks for letting me get that out, guys

bugboi: Anytime, Hinata.

dogboi: love you Hina x

keeper: love you too Kiba x and thanks Shino n everyone else <3

futurehusband: now, c o f f e e lessgo

keeper: yeeee

keeper: if I turn up with a bottle of sake will they notice

sapphicpsychic: share it and we won't tell

keeper: deal

secondhusband: troublesome women

firsthusband: and that's why I'm gay

  
  


**Chat Room: The Three Stooges**

Members:  
Hatake Kakashi (dogsensei); Umino Iruka (dolphin); Uzumaki Naruto (futurepresident)

  
  


futurepresident: there I got your goddamn coffee, you happy now

dolphin: did you buy some for home as well

futurepresident: yeesssssssss

dolphin: good

dogsensei: well done on sneaking Hinata out, by the way

futurepresident: I was kinda hoping you wouldn't notice?

futurepresident: she doesn't wanna go back, it's toxic for her in there

dogsensei: I'll cover for her, just get Sasuke back in here

futurepresident: okie

  
  


**Profile: Uzumaki Naruto (uzumaki.naruto)**

"Yo Sakura."

"What."

"If I can make you say 'snow', you owe me lunch."

"Deal."

"What colour is the sky?"

"Blue."

"Okay, what are roads paved with?"

"Good intentions?"

"... Good answer. Alright then, what type of nail polish are you wearing?"

"Acrylic. Naruto, what the hell does this have to do with snow?"

"HA."

"...fuck."

"Ah, what do I want to eat?"

"Oh, shut up."

"Do I want Italian, or pizza..."

"_That is Italian_."

  
  


**Chat Room: The Canines' Companions**

Members: Inuzuka Kiba (dogboi); Uzumaki Naruto (futurepresident)

  
  


futurepresident: are you gonna make it to the game tonight?

dogboi: wouldn't miss it for the world

futurepresident: does Hinata still have your jumper?

dogboi: she better cause I couldn't find it anywhere this morning

futurepresident: hmmmmm I should check on the status of mine

  
  


**Chat Room: America’s Ass**

Members:  
Uzumaki Naruto (futurepresident); Uchiha Sasuke (firsthusband); Nara Shikamaru (secondhusband)

  
  


futurepresident: yo Shika do you still have my soccer jumper?

secondhusband: yes

secondhusband: it's so fucking warm

secondhusband: I'm never giving it back

firsthusband: if you don't share it I'm breaking up with both of you

futurepresident: akjskajhdkajda

futurepresident: on today's episode of "Uchihas are melodramatic assholes"

  
  


**Chat Room: The Rookie Nine**

Members:  
Uzumaki Naruto (futurepresident); Uchiha Sasuke (firsthusband); Haruno Sakura (doctordoctor); Nara Shikamaru (secondhusband); Yamanaka Ino (sapphicpsychic); Akimichi Choji (omnomnivore); Aburame Shino (bugboi); Hyuuga Hinata (keeper); Inuzuka Kiba (dogboi)

  
  


futurepresident: GAME TIME BOYSSSSSSSSS

sapphicpsychic: KICK ASS

doctordoctor: HELL YEAH

  
  


**Chat Room: Soccer Boys Are Hot**

Members: Yamanaka Ino (sapphicpsychic); Tenten (nejiisboring); Haruno Sakura (doctordoctor); Uzumaki Karin (foureyesthiccthighs); Uchiha Shisui (prettiestprettyboy); Uchiha Sasuke (firsthusband)

  
  


nejiisboring: I may have graduated already but goddamn if I'm missing a chance to yell at umpires

sapphicpsychic: goddamn if I'm missing a chance to oggle cute boys let's be real

prettiestprettyboy: fuck I forgot there was a game on tonight

foureyesthiccthighs: Itachi doesn't really like going to games anyway, does he?

prettiestprettyboy: nah not really, it's v loud and he

prettiestprettyboy: y'know

prettiestprettyboy: can't see the game

doctordoctor: absolutely fair

prettiestprettyboy: do keep me in the loop tho

nejiisboring: FIRST GOAL TO KONOHA MOTHERFUCKERSSSSS

doctordoctor: yo Sasuke where are you???

firsthusband: couldn't make it, clan shit

prettiestprettyboy: oh god

prettiestprettyboy: She got her claws into you didn't she

firsthusband: yep

prettiestprettyboy: fuck thaaaaat

nejiisboring: ATTA BOY INUZUKA YOU C H A M P I O N

  
  


**Chat Room: The Rookie Nine**

Members:  
Uzumaki Naruto (futurepresident); Uchiha Sasuke (firsthusband); Haruno Sakura (doctordoctor); Nara Shikamaru (secondhusband); Yamanaka Ino (sapphicpsychic); Akimichi Choji (omnomnivore); Aburame Shino (bugboi); Hyuuga Hinata (keeper); Inuzuka Kiba (dogboi)

  
  


futurepresident: WE WOOOOOOOOOON

bugboi: A well deserved win.

omnomnivore: awesome game guys!!!

keeper: you guys killed it!

doctordoctor: heeeeeell yea

futurepresident: okay @secondhusband now that I have Showered and am Clean can I drive u home

secondhusband: yes please, I'm exhausted

keeper: awwww what a gentleman

futurepresident: I try

sapphicpsychic: want me to drive you, Sakura?

doctordoctor: yes thank you!!

keeper: night guys!!

dogboi: gg y'all gnight

futurepresident: night all!

doctordoctor: @firsthusband it was such a good game why'd you have to miss it :(((

  
  


**Chat Room: Go vs Shogi**

Members: Uzumaki Naruto (futurepresident); Nara Shikamaru (secondhusband)

  
  


futurepresident: uh, Shika

futurepresident: is that Sasuke standing by my car

secondhusband: yes

futurepresident: is he

futurepresident: is he wearing what I think he's wearing

secondhusband: ... yes

futurepresident: god give me strength

secondhusband: why is he wearing that

futurepresident: get in the car and find out

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> t̶h̶e̶y̶ ̶w̶e̶n̶t̶ ̶t̶o̶ ̶N̶a̶r̶u̶t̶o̶'̶s̶ ̶p̶l̶a̶c̶e̶ ̶a̶n̶d̶ ̶f̶u̶c̶k̶e̶d̶
> 
> The tiktok in this chapter was inspired by a tiktok by Evan the Card Guy!


	7. please stop using y'all're

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> secondhusband: fuuuuck that smells good
> 
> doctordoctor: I'm here and holy shit it does
> 
> doctordoctor: Naruto what kind of black magic are you using in there
> 
> futurepresident: shhhh you'll blow my cover

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Happy new decade! A nice and fluffy chapter to warm the way into 2020.  
(tbh tho idk what happened with this chapter. it took a life of its own. but I love it)
> 
> I don't have much to say before this one! I hope you enjoy!

**Chat Room: America’s Ass**

Members:  
Uzumaki Naruto (futurepresident); Uchiha Sasuke (firsthusband); Nara Shikamaru (secondhusband)

  
  


futurepresident: Sasuke

firsthusband: yes

futurepresident: first, are you good

firsthusband: yes

futurepresident: good good

futurepresident: now for the love of god please tell me you brought a change of clothes because I could not handle seeing you like that again right now

firsthusband: of course I did I'm not an idiot

secondhusband: can someone please explain to me what the fuck happened cause I'm still a little out of it

futurepresident: no

firsthusband: no

secondhusband: okay fair

firsthusband: bring me food

  
  


**Chat Room: The Rookie Nine**

Members:  
Uzumaki Naruto (futurepresident); Uchiha Sasuke (firsthusband); Haruno Sakura (doctordoctor); Nara Shikamaru (secondhusband); Yamanaka Ino (sapphicpsychic); Akimichi Choji (omnomnivore); Aburame Shino (bugboi); Hyuuga Hinata (keeper); Inuzuka Kiba (dogboi)

  
  


firsthusband: I told Naruto to bring me food and he hasn't yet

sapphicpsychic: rood

doctordoctor: @futurepresident take care of yo man

futurepresident: I WAS GOING TO SURPRISE YOU BUT OKAAYYYY FINE

futurepresident: I'M MAKING FRENCH TOAST

firsthusband: and I'm up

keeper: I'm coming over

omnomnivore: be there in 10

futurepresident: wait

doctordoctor: @EVERYONE NARUTO'S PLACE FOR BREAKFAST

futurepresident: w a i t

dogboi: okay I guess we're doing this

futurepresident: y'all're lucky I have like ten loaves of bread in the freezer

sapphicpsychic: is showering required or can I come in my PJs

secondhusband: PJs are fine

sapphicpsychic: yessss

keeper: @bugboi you coming?

bugboi: If I may?

futurepresident: hell yea if everyone's coming then u gotta come too

bugboi: Thank you.

  
  


**Chat Room: La Cría de Uzumaki**

Members:  
Uzumaki Naruto (futurepresident); Umino Iruka (dolphin); Uzumaki Karin (foureyesthiccthighs)

  
  


futurepresident: yo Karin come over for breakfast the whole gang is coming

foureyesthiccthighs: por qué

futurepresident: I'm making french toast and people started inviting themselves

foureyesthiccthighs: voy en camino

futurepresident: aye

futurepresident: @dolphin?

futurepresident: hermaaanoooooo

foureyesthiccthighs: P R I M O

dolphin: unfortunately I don't plan on getting out of bed for 98132468 years at least

futurepresident: your loss

dolphin: have fun

  
  


**Chat Room: The Rookie Nine**

Members:  
Uzumaki Naruto (futurepresident); Uchiha Sasuke (firsthusband); Haruno Sakura (doctordoctor); Nara Shikamaru (secondhusband); Yamanaka Ino (sapphicpsychic); Akimichi Choji (omnomnivore); Aburame Shino (bugboi); Hyuuga Hinata (keeper); Inuzuka Kiba (dogboi)

  
  


futurepresident: Karin is coming!

doctordoctor: can I invite Lee??

futurepresident: ye!!!

doctordoctor: THANK

futurepresident: @keeper you can invite Neji and Tenten if you want

keeper: bless

sapphicpsychic: can I take the initiative to invite Shisui and Itachi

futurepresident: yeye

futurepresident: y'all're lucky my house is fucking huge

sapphicpsychic: you're lucky Jiraiya is rich

futurepresident: tru

dogboi: please stop using y'all're

  
  


**Chat Room: Sakura & Lotus**

Members: Haruno Sakura (doctordoctor); Rock Lee (itsmelee)

  
  


doctordoctor: babe!!!

itsmelee: Good morning my love!!!

doctordoctor: morning!

doctordoctor: wanna come over to Naruto's for breakfast? Looks like K12 is gonna be there, Hina is inviting Neji and Tenten

itsmelee: I would love to!

doctordoctor: ayeeee

doctordoctor: do you know his address?

itsmelee: I have it written down!

doctordoctor: sweet

doctordoctor: I'mma jump in the shower, cya there

  
  


**Chat Room: What About the Lesbians?!**

Members: Yamanaka Ino (sapphicpsychic); Uchiha Shisui (prettiestprettyboy)

  
  


sapphicpsychic: COME TO NARUTO'S FOR BREAKFAST

sapphicpsychic: INVITE ITACHI

prettiestprettyboy: ... am I getting a choice

sapphicpsychic: NARUTO IS MAKING FRENCH TOAST

prettiestprettyboy: OMW OMW

  
  


**Chat Room: Rebellious Teenagers**

Members: Hyuuga Neji (nejihyuuga); Hyuuga Hinata (keeper)

  
  


keeper: morning Neji!

nejihyuuga: Good morning.

keeper: would you like to come over to Naruto's for breakfast? R9, Lee, Karin, Shisui and Itachi are going to be there and I wanted to invite you and Tenten!

nejihyuuga: How on earth do that many people fit in one house?

keeper: Naruto's godfather is rich and their house is huge. French toast is being made production-line style.

nejihyuuga: I'll ask Tenten.

keeper: no worries!

nejihyuuga: She said she'd like to come.

keeper: sweeeeeeet

keeper: I'll save you a cushion in a corner!

nejihyuuga: Thank you.

  
  


**Chat Room: The Rookie Nine**

Members:  
Uzumaki Naruto (futurepresident); Uchiha Sasuke (firsthusband); Haruno Sakura (doctordoctor); Nara Shikamaru (secondhusband); Yamanaka Ino (sapphicpsychic); Akimichi Choji (omnomnivore); Aburame Shino (bugboi); Hyuuga Hinata (keeper); Inuzuka Kiba (dogboi)

  
  


keeper: K12 + Spares confirmed!

futurepresident: "spares"

keeper: Neji seems to be having a good day so far but if we could save him a corner just in case that'd be awesome

doctordoctor: ofc!!

keeper: thank you!!

secondhusband: fuuuuck that smells good

doctordoctor: I'm here and holy shit it does

doctordoctor: Naruto what kind of black magic are you using in there

futurepresident: shhhh you'll blow my cover

sapphicpsychic: I s2g if I find a good luck charm

futurepresident: is it so hard to believe that I can cook

sapphicpsychic: ofc not we pagans gotta stick together

futurepresident: aye

sapphicpsychic: aye

sapphicpsychic: I'M HERE MOFOS and I found a tarot deck in my bag otw here how did that get in there

doctordoctor: ooo ooo can you do a reading while we eat

sapphicpsychic: clear me a table bitches

futurepresident: hell yeah and kiba stop eating it and help

dogboi: DO YOU HAVE EYES IN THE BACK OF YOUR HEAD

futurepresident: maybe

dogboi: WHAT THE FIUHVCKSJDLFKS

futurepresident: FUCK I FORGOT TO INVITE GAARA BRB

doctordoctor: did Shisui really just burst in here singing "make way for prince ali" or did I hallucinate that

sapphicpsychic: no he really did that

doctordoctor: jfc

  
  


**Chat Room: Let's Get Global**

Members: Uzumaki Naruto (futurepresident)Uchiha Sasuke (firsthusband), Haruno Sakura (doctordoctor), Sabaku no Gaara (sabakunogaara), Sabaku no Kankuro (puppeteer), Sabaku no Temari (fanlady)

  
  


futurepresident: YO @ SAND SIBS

fanlady: good morning???

futurepresident: what time do y'all leave

fanlady: in like two hours

futurepresident: wanna come to my place for breakfast there's like... 10 people here and 5 more to come

fanlady: jfc the breakfast had better be good

puppeteer: holy shit how big is your house

futurepresident: big

doctordoctor: HE'S MADE LIKE 7 LOAVES WORTH OF FRENCH TOAST AND IT'S AMAZING

doctordoctor: GORDON RAMSAY WOULD BE PROUD

puppeteer: I'm coming

fanlady: dibs not waking Gaara up

puppeteer: f u c k

futurepresident: godspeed

  
  


**Chat Room: The Rookie Nine**

Members:  
Uzumaki Naruto (futurepresident); Uchiha Sasuke (firsthusband); Haruno Sakura (doctordoctor); Nara Shikamaru (secondhusband); Yamanaka Ino (sapphicpsychic); Akimichi Choji (omnomnivore); Aburame Shino (bugboi); Hyuuga Hinata (keeper); Inuzuka Kiba (dogboi)

  
  


futurepresident: the sand siblings are coming

keeper: omg I haven't seen them in ages!!!

firsthusband: we saw them a few days ago

futurepresident: yeah at midnight and high on sugar

sapphicpsychic: why the fuck...

doctordoctor: don't ask

  
  


**Profile: Yamanaka Ino (sapphicpsychic)**

_[The camera faces a kitchen/living room full of chatting people.]_

"HEY."

_[The room goes quiet and looks towards the camera.]_

"If you're cishet and you know it, clap your hands."

_[The room is silent.]_

"Holy shit."

_[The room bursts into laughter.]_

  
  


**Chat Room: Tsunade and the Idiots**

Members:  
Senju Tsunade (deskdestroyer); Jiraiya (thegodfather); Orochimaru (snakescientist)

  
  


snakescientist: do I want to know why there seem to be so many people in your house?

thegodfather: gods help me

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Nobody is cishet, Ino and Naruto are pagan and Neji has social anxiety. You can tear these hcs from my cold dead hands.
> 
> Love always!

**Author's Note:**

> Thanks for reading! Comments and kudos are always appreciated <3
> 
> This fic has no upload schedule... don't hold me to it bUT you can yell @ me at enby-angel.tumblr.com about these nerds <3 Love always!!


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